Howdy folks! Sorry it’s been such a long time since my last blog post, but now that it’s the holidays, I might find myself in more frequent contact with the internet. October 22nd marked a huge milestone in my Peace Corps service—one year in Rwanda! So in honor of that momentous occasion, here is my personal list of things that I have learned, that have made an impact on me, or no longer seem odd. So without further delay…
You might be a Peace Corps volunteer in Rwanda if…
1. You refuse to walk outside in even the slightest drizzle
2. Pooping is your biggest accomplishment for the day…or the week…
3. 6:30 a.m. is sleeping in, and 9:30 p.m. is a wild and crazy night.
4. And for you, it is somehow easier, in the life, to become accustomed to speak English like this.
5. You refer to people as “that one there” and it no longer feels even a little rude.
6. You even occasionally refer to yourself as “this one here” and it just feels so right.
7. Your tailbone has been ground to dust thanks to hard benches and five-hour ceremonies.
8. You think that women look drab if they are wearing few than four distinct colors.
9. You can carry on an entire conversation using grunts and “mmmmmm” noises.
10. You passionately want Canada to give back The Ben.
11. You text while riding motos.
12. Text messages from MTN make you sad, because for a second you thought that you had friends.
13. All your socks have a permanent burnt sienna hue.
14. You put on the good-smelling sunscreen to disguise the fact that you haven’t bathed in several days—and that’s basically the only time you wear sunscreen.
15. You become fiercely territorial when there are unidentified abazungu in your village.
16. Rather than kill all the creeping and crawling critters in your house, you name them all and invent elaborate soap operas about their lives.
17. There’s no such thing as too much shine.
18. The majority of your budget goes toward buying toilet paper, candles, and phone credit.
19. The nuns at the bar all know your name.
20. You can keep a straight face even when your headmaster tells you that “you will come in your pants.”
21. You know that there’s always room for one more person on the bus.
22. But you have still elbowed someone in the face in order to get on the bus before them.
23. You feel no remorse about elbowing people in the fact while boarding buses.
24. The tall people in Kigali scare you.
25. You are not even a little freaked out when the village crazy runs up to you and tries to steal your umbrella from right out of your grasp.
26. You are at least one hour late to everything…and are still the first person to arrive.
27. You pray your god in bed on Sunday morning.
28. You recognize the four major food groups as salt, sugar, starch, and oil.
29. Your pillow, mattress, sheets, and hair all have scorch marks from reading in bed by candlelight.
30. You vow to never trim your toenails by candlelight again. Ever.
31. You have witness “Congo butt” in action on the dance floor.
32. Standing in your yard, staring at the road, is a perfectly acceptable way to pass a Saturday afternoon.
33. You can open a Primus bottle with virtually anything.
34. You can eat a jar of peanut butter in two days.
35. You have a major existential crisis and seriously contemplate quitting Peace Corps when you realize that you are tired of eating peanut butter.
36. You curse Belgium for leaving behind post-colonial politics but not waffles, chocolate, or good beer.
37. The only snap, crackle, and pop that you hear is the sound of insects exploding in your candle’s flame.
38. You hate your serial Mefloquine dreams, but you must know—who will win in the epically gruesome battle between 14th century Japanese samurai and the New York Yankees?!
39. You walk around your house with small objects balanced on your head.
40. Your first reaction to MTN’s free calls after 11 promo was “if anyone dares to call me that late, I will end them.”
41. You cry at the sight of Cheez-Its.
42. You find it easier to agree with people that “it is the change in the climate which has made you so ill.”
43. You hate the dry season, until the rainy season begins. Then you hate that too.
44. You no longer think “this country needs more cowbell!” every time the primary school kids ring the bell in-between classes
45. “It it’s not oozing pus, it is not a problem” is your personal health motto.
46. You’ve seen every Cecil B. DeMille ever made, dubbed in French with Kinyarwanda commentary.
47. It’s always a good morning, and you are always fine.
48. The preschoolers in your village are all trained to hug you.
49. Hugs become slightly awkward because you failed to realize that preschoolers grow quickly, and that many of their faces are now uncomfortably level with your crotch.
50. You no longer give clothing the sniff test, because you know that you’re going to wear it anyway.
51. You refuse to reply to anyone that screams at you from beyond your response radius.
52. Depending on your mood, your response radius can extend for your entire district, or only as far as your arm hair.
53. You actively forget umuganda. Just like everyone else in the country.
54. It’s weird to see grown men walking beside each other and not holding hands.
55. You no longer believe that rabbits are cute. You believe that they should be roasted on a stick.
56. You sometimes play your radio very softly so that the neighbors won’t know that you’re home.
57. You are always the sweatiest person in the room.
58. You’re a little bit in love with your fake fiancé, but you know that he/she is way out of your league.
59. You own Obama-theme footwear.
60. You look at a plate of greasy, salty fries and think, “this needs mayonnaise.”
61. You have found mold in very improbably places.
62. You frequently eat an entire pineapple and spend the rest of the evening poking yourself in the belly and singing the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song.
63. You are determine to streak the tea fields.
64. You do a double-take when you see someone carrying a backpack on their back instead of on their head.
65. You talk to goats.
66. Chamberpots are suddenly very practical.
67. You fade your yego like you were born here.
68. Everyone knows your routine. And everyone comments if you deviate from it.
69. You no longer look at the menu, because what you order is not likely to be what you get.
70. You talk about anything on a bus because no one can understand you.
71. It’s extremely embarrassing when there’s a surprise Ugandan on the bus who can understand everything you say.
72. You have come to accept the fact that, just because it claims to be an internet café, that is no guarantee there will be an internet connection. Or a computer.
73. Your favorite game is to see how many Disney lyrics you can slip into everyday conversation.
74. Your most reliable source of protein is the fruit flies that drown in your coffee.
75. You wear your tight jeans and discover that your ass can literally stop traffic.
Mk folks, I’ll try to update again soon with actual information about my life…
